Where am I........

I feel lost today, like I belong to no-one and no-where.
I am feeling empty, hurt, alone..................
I don't know from one day to the next what is real and what is this 'Illness'.
I keep thinking I am in love with random people, When I have a good marriage and a happy home.
I have an psychiatric appointment next month, not sure what to tell them. Do I be open with the Dr and fear what will happen? or do I tell Him/Her what they want to hear, I am fine, I am well. Nod and smile in all the write places and hope to god I fool them.

Every day I have thought/flashes of things I should do. Like what Reggie Perrin used to get. But mine are very odd. Like if someone is stood at the top of the stairs and I am behind them, I get a urge to push them. When I am upset I feel violent towards anyone that is near me. I am constantly tired I can fall asleep any where. I don't feel safe to be left alone, I don't feel in control of my self, and that scares me. :(.

I takes every effort to do every day things like wash my self, or even eat a proper meal.
My CBT asks me every time I see them 'Is there anything I want to talk about' but I am never sure what to say, cause things that concern most people, I do or think them every day, so to me these thoughts seem normal.

Who am I.......

Who am I really..........for a start my real name is not Ryanne Phillips, that's just an alias I use. I always loved that name for some reason. The reason I want to use an alias is because I feel that is the only way I will be able to write honestly and openly. I will tell you a few facts about me.

• I am English
• In my 20s and Married
• I suffer for clinical depression

I sometimes feel I am two different people. There is 'Me' happily married, full time job, just getting on with life. Then there is the real me 'Ryanne'. Ryanne is the voice inside me that I have been fighting with for years. She is strong single minded and very hard to live with.

This blog will mostly be about 'Ryanne'. I am trying to cope with her and this might work. I will be writing about how I really feel about Life,Love,My Depression and The Voice inside.

Firstly I see a therapist on a regular basis, she is brilliant. But the more I get to know here the more I hold back. I feel she will judge me, and the things I say. She has become like a friend and with my friends I hold back. When I first met her I could tell her anything, now I am getting to know her I have started to withdraw things. I know this is not helping me or her but it is a defence mechanism I use so know one gets to see the real me 'Ryanne'.

I have always suffered with depression in some way on another, but Clinical Depression seems to be the most destructive.

I hope you enjoy reading my blog and follow me as I learn to live with depression and 'Ryanne'