Where am I........

I feel lost today, like I belong to no-one and no-where.
I am feeling empty, hurt, alone..................
I don't know from one day to the next what is real and what is this 'Illness'.
I keep thinking I am in love with random people, When I have a good marriage and a happy home.
I have an psychiatric appointment next month, not sure what to tell them. Do I be open with the Dr and fear what will happen? or do I tell Him/Her what they want to hear, I am fine, I am well. Nod and smile in all the write places and hope to god I fool them.

Every day I have thought/flashes of things I should do. Like what Reggie Perrin used to get. But mine are very odd. Like if someone is stood at the top of the stairs and I am behind them, I get a urge to push them. When I am upset I feel violent towards anyone that is near me. I am constantly tired I can fall asleep any where. I don't feel safe to be left alone, I don't feel in control of my self, and that scares me. :(.

I takes every effort to do every day things like wash my self, or even eat a proper meal.
My CBT asks me every time I see them 'Is there anything I want to talk about' but I am never sure what to say, cause things that concern most people, I do or think them every day, so to me these thoughts seem normal.

I think I am falling in love with someone else!

We had a bit of a fling, before I even met my husband. Well I say fling. It was more of a fumble at a party and we had one or two lunch dates.
The thing is I really fell for him, in a BIG way. A little time after a mutual friend of ours told me he had been out with him that night, and met "His" new girlfrind.
That was about 7 years ago. I STILL have feelings for him. It is driving me crazy. I even found my self driving around his home told (even though I knew he would be at work). We are in touch via email and I see him nearly every day (in a non-romantic way). I have just found my self emailing him again, I made up some stupid reason to email him.
Some friends and I went out In fancy dress and I emailed him some sexing pics of an outfit I wanted, the photo's wern't of me. Just of the thinner sexier model wearing the outfit.
What am I playing at, I'm married.
I friend of ours used to joke about the sexual tenison between us, and that we should just f**k and have done with it. I am starting to think she is right. We never did get that close.

I do love my husband and would never want to hurt him, So why am I doing this.

I think it has something to do with the depression, Like I said it seems to be self distructive.

"Me" doesn't want to take it any further, The happily married "Me" is happy as she is.
"Ryanne" on the other hand, is wanting to finish what she started.

I even found my-self 'googleing' his girlfriends name.

Who am I.......

Who am I really..........for a start my real name is not Ryanne Phillips, that's just an alias I use. I always loved that name for some reason. The reason I want to use an alias is because I feel that is the only way I will be able to write honestly and openly. I will tell you a few facts about me.

• I am English
• In my 20s and Married
• I suffer for clinical depression

I sometimes feel I am two different people. There is 'Me' happily married, full time job, just getting on with life. Then there is the real me 'Ryanne'. Ryanne is the voice inside me that I have been fighting with for years. She is strong single minded and very hard to live with.

This blog will mostly be about 'Ryanne'. I am trying to cope with her and this might work. I will be writing about how I really feel about Life,Love,My Depression and The Voice inside.

Firstly I see a therapist on a regular basis, she is brilliant. But the more I get to know here the more I hold back. I feel she will judge me, and the things I say. She has become like a friend and with my friends I hold back. When I first met her I could tell her anything, now I am getting to know her I have started to withdraw things. I know this is not helping me or her but it is a defence mechanism I use so know one gets to see the real me 'Ryanne'.

I have always suffered with depression in some way on another, but Clinical Depression seems to be the most destructive.

I hope you enjoy reading my blog and follow me as I learn to live with depression and 'Ryanne'